She stood back and saw her life, for once outside
like images projected on an empty screen
there was him, and him; both vaguely familiar
or rather once like his shadow, now some other
she couldn't believe how she let each one go
in ways the previous just like the after

back to the days when he said 'i love you' and meant it
to the times when she wanted him so much she dreamt it
she knew he knew this wasn't just love
and he knew she knew how much she needed him
they drew pictures of their life together
and sang songs only both he and she could hear
she floated a few months back, eleven to be exact
to when he took her hand and said just for tonight
and when he kissed her for the first time

but right there and then;
as her thoughts took their leave
her heart wrenched and her insides choked her
so tight, till it was hard to breathe
she couldn't cry anymore,
she had been there too many times before

she typed a message, and then backspaced
things were different now, he could never be the same
but she typed again and never stopped
6 more pages and then she thought,
she didn't know what she was fighting for.
it was too late, as she waited by her phone
that message he never replied
her mistake, her own lies
it hurt her so much she could die

she wrapped his presents and put it under her tree
took her own pills and went to sleep
he never knew how much she loved him
she would never tell his story again
but under that brightly-lit tree
is a note that says:
my darling, for one last time i'm sorry,
and this christmas i hope you remember me